Archive note: This text comes from the old archive of Nomika Epilekta and is preserved with care for historical and informational reading.

Why do bad things happen in the world that God created? Did Mom die because I was not a good child? Is it my fault? If I had been a better student, would my parents still be together?

These are common questions children ask when something "bad," something unpleasant, happens, and their emotional state and acceptance of a painful event depend on the way we answer them. I consider it a disastrous mistake not to talk to our children about the difficult side of life, about death, divorce, and loss. For me, the need to talk to children and explain what is happening is non-negotiable.

Events that children may experience with painful emotions include:

Many people will be shocked when reading this article. They are the people who believe that children should live inside a glass dome that protects them from everything bad, where discussions about death, divorce, and illness are forbidden. They are the people who believe that unpleasant experiences that are not discussed will simply be forgotten with the passage of time. This, however, is far from reality. By not telling children about the painful events that occur, we can temporarily cover up their feelings, creating the illusion that everything is fine, but there is a serious possibility that we will wound them for their entire lives.

We cannot and should not "protect" children from painful experiences. What we can do is be there to support them, listen to their pain and their outburst, and help them overcome it as far as this is possible.

Common mistakes by parents:

Whether we are talking about death, illness, divorce, or the loss of a parent's job, we are talking about events that children experience as losses. Loss is an inseparable part of life. Children need to live through painful events and mourn them so that their wounds can eventually heal. They must know what is happening, and it is their guardian's duty to speak to them and explain.

Grief is painful and often causes unbearable pain for children. The parents or relatives who remain with the children must know that children's emotions change over time; nevertheless, the child will pass through the following stages:

First stage: denial and isolation. The child denies what is happening: death, divorce, or illness. The child cannot grasp it. The child may shut himself or herself in the room and avoid the company of relatives and friends. The child hopes that something magical will happen, that all of this is a nightmare and that soon he or she will wake up.

Second stage: guilt. The child feels responsible for the bad thing that happened. The child thinks that if he or she had done something differently, the unpleasant event would have been prevented.

Third stage: anger. The child considers what happened unfair and is flooded with feelings of anger, whether toward the parents for not trying hard enough to stay together, toward the doctors who did not save the mother, or toward God for allowing this bad thing to happen. In the case of divorce, the child may become angry with the parent who remains and lash out at that parent, or become enraged with the parent who left. In the case of the father's death, the child may tell the mother that he or she wishes the mother had died instead of the father. The parent must be ready for these attacks and must not react with hostility toward the child.

Fourth stage: depression. The anger gradually passes, and the child comes face to face with pain and sadness. At this stage the child may burst into tears constantly or be sad and speak to no one.

Fifth stage: acceptance. Having moved smoothly through the above emotional states, the child accepts the unpleasant event and continues with life.

Some advice for parents:

Finally, I would like to mention that families that try to avoid their unpleasant feelings suffer for much longer, and often never overcome their pain. Families, however, that courageously face loss and the feelings it causes, that accept these feelings and the stages of grief, can more easily overcome their pain and adapt to the new reality. Children must pass through the stages of grief in order to continue living.

  • Death in the family or among friends
  • Divorce
  • Illness of a family member
  • Loss of a parent's job
  • Forced move to another area or country
  • Death of a pet
  • Your mother, grandfather, grandmother, or sibling is no longer with us because God loved that person so much and therefore took him or her. This answer can only lead the child to anger, or even hatred toward God for depriving the child of a loved person, and also to a mistaken and distorted understanding of good and evil.
  • Your father is in the sky and has become a star or a cloud. This answer can lead the child to keep looking at the sky in search of the father, because the child truly believes he will be found there.
  • Parents think about getting a divorce but do not do it until the child reaches adulthood or enters university. In this way they subject the child to constant family fights, giving false promises that everything is fine, acting out the theater of a happy family, and living with the illusion that the child does not understand what is happening.
  • They tell the child that they have decided to divorce or move to another city, while also telling the child that "the adults" have decided and have no duty to explain: "I will not give you an account," or "you will change school because I say so."
  • There is no good moment to choose in order to tell our child that we are getting divorced, that the grandfather has died, or that the father is ill. It is natural to be overwhelmed by fear about how we will say it and how the child will face it. But the child must know the truth.
  • We must admit that it is selfish not to inform our child about something bad because we cannot bear to see the child suffer.
  • We must share our own pain with our children, show them that we understand, that they are not suffering alone, and let them feel our love.
  • We must under no circumstances tell the child how he or she must feel or what he or she must think. The child must experience his or her own emotions.
  • In the case of serious illness of a family member or impending death, we prepare the child for it.
  • We must never forget that the child senses when we are hiding something and shapes his or her behavior accordingly.

Dimitra Theofili, Social Worker-Psychotherapist,

www.dimitratheofili.gr
dimitratheofili@yahoo.com

2107226438