Why do bad things happen in the world God created? Did my mother die because I was not a good child? Is it my fault? If I had been a better student, would my parents still be together?

These are common questions children ask when something painful happens. Their psychological state and their acceptance of a difficult event depend greatly on the way we answer. It is a serious mistake not to speak to children about the hard side of life: death, divorce and loss. Speaking to children and explaining what is happening is not optional.

Events that children may experience with painful emotions include a death in the family or close environment, divorce, the illness of a family member, the loss of a parent's job, a forced move to another region or country, and even the death of a pet.

Many people may be shocked by this view. They believe children should live under a glass dome that protects them from everything bad, where conversations about death, divorce and illness are forbidden. They believe painful experiences that are not discussed will simply be forgotten with time. Reality is very different. By hiding painful events, we may temporarily cover a child's emotions and create the illusion that everything is fine, but we may also wound that child for life.

We cannot and should not protect children from every painful experience. What we can do is stand beside them, support them, listen to their pain and outbursts, and help them overcome the event as far as possible.

Parents often make serious mistakes. They may say that a mother, grandfather, grandmother or sibling is no longer with us because God loved that person so much that He took them. Such an answer can create anger or even hatred toward God, and a distorted view of good and evil.

They may say that the father is in heaven and has become a star or a cloud. A child may then keep looking at the sky, genuinely believing that the father can be found there.

Parents may consider divorce but postpone it until the child becomes an adult or enters university. In the meantime they subject the child to constant family conflict, false assurances that everything is fine and the theater of a happy family, while imagining that the child does not understand what is happening.

They may announce a divorce or a move to another city while saying that the adults have decided and owe no explanation. But children are not objects to be moved silently. They need age-appropriate truth and respect.

Whether we speak of death, illness, divorce or the loss of a parent's job, we are speaking of events experienced by children as losses. Loss is an inseparable part of life. Children need to experience painful events and mourn them so their wounds can eventually heal. They must know what is happening, and it is the duty of their guardian to speak and explain.

Grief is painful and can cause unbearable distress. Parents or relatives who remain with the child should know that emotions change over time, but the child may pass through recognizable stages.

The first stage is denial and isolation. The child refuses what is happening, whether death, divorce or illness. The child cannot grasp it, may shut themselves in a room, avoid relatives and friends, and hope that everything is a nightmare from which they will soon wake.

The second stage is guilt. The child feels responsible for the bad event and thinks that, by doing something differently, it might have been prevented.

The third stage is anger. The child considers the event unjust and is overwhelmed by anger: toward parents who did not try hard enough to stay together, toward doctors who did not save a loved one, or toward God for allowing the pain. In divorce the child may lash out at the parent who remains or rage against the parent who left. After the death of a father, the child may even tell the mother that she should have died instead. The parent must be prepared for such attacks and must not respond with hostility.

The fourth stage is depression. Anger gradually passes and the child faces pain and sadness. The child may cry often, remain silent or withdraw.

The fifth stage is acceptance. After moving through the previous emotional states in a healthy way, the child accepts the painful event and continues life.

There is no perfect moment to tell a child that parents are divorcing, that a grandparent has died or that a parent is seriously ill. Fear about how to say it is natural, but the child must know the truth.

We must admit that it is selfish to hide something painful from a child simply because we cannot bear to see the child suffer. We should share our own pain appropriately, show the child that we understand, that they do not suffer alone, and that they are loved.

We must never tell a child what they should feel or think. The child must be allowed to experience their own emotions. In cases of serious illness or impending death, we must prepare the child.

Finally, families that try to avoid painful emotions often suffer longer and sometimes never overcome their pain. Families that courageously face loss, accept the emotions it creates and allow the stages of grief to unfold can adapt more easily to the new reality. Children must pass through grief in order to continue living.