Divorce and the children of separated parents

Archive note: This text comes from the old archive of Nomika Epilekta and is preserved with care for historical and informational reading.

It is a fact that for a child, at any age, the divorce of his or her parents is a tremendous shock. Research has shown, however, that it is not divorce itself that may create socio-psychological difficulties for children, but how the parents themselves deal with it and communicate it to them. Thus, among the most important factors are the timing, the manner, the quality of the relationships between family members, the environment, the number of children, life before and after, the age, the personality and also the genetic predisposition of the child in relation to how the situation is handled and how much it affects the child's psychological state. The most common behavioral changes after a divorce are aggressive and often oppositional behavior, especially in boys, as well as symptoms of anxiety, isolation and low mood. Studies have shown that these children are 40% more likely to use addictive substances (alcohol, drugs...). These children are vulnerable in their emotions, while they fear that at any moment they may lose people they love without knowing why; at the same time, a large percentage of these children consider themselves responsible for what has happened. At a later stage, when these children grow up and are called upon to cope with a relationship themselves, they show a lack of trust in love, while in most cases they experience an inner division: On the one hand they have the pressing need to love, to bond with someone and to feel complete as human beings, and on the other they are confronted with their great fear, namely that they will fail just as their parents did, since there is a lack of a satisfactory model of a successful and happy family. A characteristic phobia is that they would never want to create a failed family and children who would have to grow up as they did. But what can parents do to prepare their children and help them experience the divorce as painlessly as possible, and how long beforehand should they prepare them? The director of the Family Center of the Jerusalem Institute for the study of Psychological Stress, G. Caplan, in an article in Arch. Dis. Childhood, stresses that: "...it is desirable, if possible, for the discussion with the children to take place with both parents present at the same time, because in this way they will be convinced that the parents agree. Depending on the children's reactions to these first discussions, it will be judged whether contacts of this kind should continue and how often, with one or with both parents..." while he advises that the discussion should take place only one to two weeks before the separation for preschool children, one to two months before for children aged 5-8. Older children should be prepared even earlier. He continues by saying that parents must have understood the following points before having any discussion with the children:

• Do not postpone the moment of disclosure to the children,
• encourage them to express their feelings at any time,
• be clear and honest so that you do not leave them hoping for a possible reconciliation if that prospect does not exist,
• emphasize to them that even after the separation they will lose neither the love nor the presence of both parents, and do your utmost to make this happen,
• do not use expressions such as: "We no longer love each other", because the child will also question your love for him or her,
• do not put words into the children's mouths; let them love both parents equally and have their own judgment,
• tell them that they are not to blame for what happened and emphasize that their birth was the best thing that ever happened to you, but be sure that you truly feel this way, otherwise the child will understand the difference,
• show understanding toward any problematic behaviors, but again do not stop setting limits for their behaviors and habits,
• keep their daily routines the same and make sure they see both parents as often as possible,
• always remember that, however many differences there may be between you, you must find a common code of communication regarding your children so that they receive a common line of direction from both of you. Unity is very important.

". It would be preferable for the parents' personal life after the divorce to remain outside the home and away from the children, so as to avoid confusion in their minds and comparisons with their previous life before the divorce. We would by no means want to present our fleeting relationships to our children every so often, thereby tearing down whatever ideal model of a conventional family they still have left. After the decision to divorce, the Calvary of the next day is the decision on custody, since, as statistical data show, one in four marriages ends in divorce, with custody of the children at the center of the marital "dispute". At a conference on "The custody of children in separation and divorce", held at the Cultural Center of the Municipality of Athens, research was presented on issues of parental responsibility and custody of children in the event of divorce. The research was carried out by the NGO GON.IS. (with the permission of the Athens Court of First Instance), with the scientific assistance of University professors I. Paravantis and D. Papadopoulou-Klamari. The co-organizer, the president of GON.IS. Piraeus (Parental Equality for the Child), Mr. Ioannis Paparigopoulos, pointed out that "The results of the research and the percentages that emerged leave no room for doubt. In our country, although parental responsibility is both a duty and a right of both parents, in divorce exclusive custody of the children by one parent prevails". The research carried out by the NGO GON.IS. on decisions of the Athens Court of First Instance proved that in Greece only the system of exclusive custody of children is applied, that is, custody is assigned exclusively to one parent only. The results of the research did not show a single court decision awarding joint custody to both parents. More specifically, court decisions are almost always issued following an action by the mother (89.42%) and mainly concern maintenance rather than custody of the children (97.6% of women's claims), while custody is awarded to the mother - when she makes a relevant request - in 90.6% of cases, regardless of the age and sex of the children. Under the legislation in force (Civil Code, Article 1513), after the breakdown of married cohabitation, custody is assigned exclusively to one parent, unless the two agree to exercise it jointly or unless the court decides to distribute parental responsibility differently. The criterion for awarding custody is not the sex of the parent, but his or her suitability and the interest of the child. The question reasonably arises why awarding custody to one parent is considered more suitable than awarding it to both, and also why custody is always given to the mother, given that the selection criterion is the suitability of the parent and the interest of the child. Ms. Mitsopoulou, a member of GON.IS., answers the above question by stating that "Within the framework of the existing judicial system and the relevant provisions, after divorce children are raised exclusively and only by one parent, the mother, without the right and corresponding obligation of the other parent (the father) to participate in the child's upbringing. Thus, not only is the interest of the child not served, but the basic child-centered principle of the Civil Code is negated, and the principle of equality of parents is also violated, as is the child's right to be raised by both parents, as provided for by the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child". Divorce, even the most civilized and consensual one, carries great psychological pain. Pain for the couple that separates, but also for their children. It is a painful process, at the very moment when the parents are already separating, for a child. Regardless of the reasons or causes of the divorce, the child loves both parents. At the same time, the child needs both parents in order to develop in a balanced way. Both parents must make an effort so that the process of divorce and its effects on the child are limited and are not such as to affect the child further through the loss of one of the two parents. The joint care of children by both parents is the only choice when we give priority to the child's interest. Regardless of family status, children must be protected, either before or after the divorce, from disputes, conflicts and so on. Therefore, both parents have an obligation to care jointly for their child, whether in the same or in a different home. Thus, when a child comes from the protective environment of the family, whether he or she is a child of separated parents or not, the child will enjoy the care of two parents in an equal and balanced way, so as to develop emotionally and psychologically without feeling the loss of one parent.